I have come to realize how desperately I cling to my friends. If they tell me I am stupid, then I am the most horrible scum ever to walk the earth. If they tell me I am awesome, I'm on top of the world. And I realize, that even something as stupid as me saying something silly and getting laughed at makes me feel like I want to jump off a bridge. I couldn't do something like that, no, because that would only prove how stupid I am. Besides, I'm too cowardly. Without my friends there to support me, I would have been lost a long time ago. If I don't find a way to stop telling myself how terrible of a person I am, I don't know what I am going to do, but it needs to stop but I can't make it stop I've tried and it's getting worse and I don't know what to do I feel like I'm going to explode or throw a chair through the window but at the same time I know how cool everybody thinks I am and I don't know anymore I just don't know! I JUST WANT IT TO STOP! Why can I always find a reason to tell myself that I shouldn't exist, or that I'm a walking pile of useless garbage, when I'm obviously not? I believe it now, both ways. Not only am I stupid, and I can't remember crap, but I also happen to be relatively cool. But I'm losing it fast, I am feeling worse and worse, and I feel like I'm shying away from my friends, and I'm losing touch with people, and I can't pull myself out of the quicksand that is my mind. Please, oh god, I just want to have a definite opinion, because I'm tired of not being able to make up my mind. I don't care whether I stink or I rock, I just want to be one or the other. I doesn't make any freaking sense. And to top things off, my girlfriend doesn't seem to know whether or not she even wants to go out with me any more, or talk to me, but at the same time she says she needs me more than I could possibly know and it's confusing. I want her to be happy, and I really hope things work out between us, but everybody says it won't and it probably won't, even if we want it to work out. That's what's really sad, is it probably won't work out in the end. That's what's making it hard to have hope, is that I don't know anybody who has lived happily ever after with their high school gf/bf. It seems impossible, but I'm trying to have hope. Whatever China decides to do, I'll support her, even if it means losing her, because even though I love her I don't want to make her unhappy. Besides, if she decided she didn't love me, there's nothing I could do to keep us together. It would be wrong of me to try. But I still have hope, and I still love her, and I still want her to be happy, but I still don't want to lose her. If our relationship is over, it's probably my fault anyway, I'm not exactly a happy person to hang around anymore. I was, I was really fun, and I was funny, but not anymore. Not anymore, now I'm just self absorbed nerdy recluse. I'm almost surprised my friends even want to hang out with me. I've been working on the Zeb Show, but nobody seems to care except for me and Zeb, I might as well stop bothering with it. I guess I have more fun making it then people enjoy watching it. I'm trying to hard to make people like me. I guess that's because I'm so dependent on my friends. I guess I figure I need to still be cool, at all costs, but it isn't working, and I'm falling behind. I should go back to looking like I did before. I don't like the black hair anymore, I think I'm going to just let it grow out and cut it again. I feel like an idiot. Everyone's making fun of me for having different colored eyebrows than my hair, even though it's not supposed to look natural. I think I look like an idiot now. Everybody keeps disagreeing with me when I say I look stupid or I act stupid, but I can't tell if they're just being nice, because I think I'm lazy, dumb, and talk to much about myself.

Ugh, it was nice to rant. If you read all that, then congratulations, now you have some insight into my head.